I didn’t expect that I would be – but I was….astonished.

Of late, I find myself unable to have a humorous take on the daily events of my life.I also find myself unable to write an article that’s just my opinion about an abstract topic or a thing in general.But there I was , writing what I felt about a certain thing, how my being single or PC ordeal was a funny thing. At some places, I found my writing childish.At one place , I had even written “thinked” !!, some words were overused,some trite,but apart from that ,rest all of it was really fresh.My thoughts were so gentle and optimistic.I had patience and time for writing.I wasn’t clueless whenever I ‘d think of writing down something.It was like I met a completely different person there. A person I “was”.It captures my thought process during college , transition to professional life,beautiful experiences that overwhelmed me.There is this post on my Mussorie trip and it took me through that journey again.Some places I narrated, the dream-like road, the hills, everything is so fresh and clear in my mind-I could feel their fragrance again.

Now when I write , I feel like my thoughts are held back,may be because of lack of appropriate words or expression,or the fear of being judged.This is not good.It makes me selective about what I write , so even when I re-visit this blog, I know its not my true self that’s portrayed here.It hides itself somewhere behind those posts.The ordeal of principles,beliefs and stark reality and my gradual evolution was palpable to me in my previous blog, but now as I evolve , I somewhere want to hide this fact from myself also.I know “I” am getting lost somewhere . The fact that I chose to ignore but was brought face to face with me when I read my blog.I felt happy for who I was , but I felt sad for myself.I felt sad for my writing.I felt sad for my lost expression.I felt sad for what was inside and refused to come outside.I felt sad -for there is one life and I shouldn’t be feeling sad…I felt sad because as I read it , I could see glass walls around me and I could not think of breaking them.I know this broken glass will pierce every life around me and so I would wait for the time when I could be I .I could laugh and don’t think it was something new and unusual.I would wait for the day when I could be I.

This picture of  magnolia tree in the glory of night was clicked by Amit , a fellow-Samsungite.I always wanted this picture on my blog ever since I saw it.

A  view of leaves of a “Japanese Magnolia” tree.I found this tree at Seoul National University.The leaves themselves are so b’ful with one side -shining green and the other – shining transperent white .A leaf of this tree embellishes my leaf book and iand though the green side has turned  a pale brown the transperent white side still holds its sheen -untouched by the hands of time.

This is an Ivy League Creeper – this is a wild creeper that takes up the nutrition of the host plant on which it thrives,ultimately depriving the host plant of its nutrition.

These tiny plants are clovers and Minseon – my Korean friend told me – 3 leaved clovers are considered lucky .Aren’t all the clovers in pic 3 leaved?

And of course the cherry blossom

]]> http://goldenbuds.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/korean-flora/feed/ 2 suditi Magnolia Japanese_magnolia Ivy league Clovers sakura http://goldenbuds.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/karnal-a-page-from-my-lifes-diaries/ http://goldenbuds.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/karnal-a-page-from-my-lifes-diaries/#comments Wed, 12 Oct 2011 06:19:44 +0000 Bani http://goldenbuds.wordpress.com/?p=511 ]]> This was posted as a note on my facebook page.

The fact that this pic was taken in Karnal keeps bringing my mind and heart back to the times I spent there.The school days,friends,coaching classes,teenage crushes,career ambitions,excitement about co-currics at school,dreams I nurtured and the strength and will I gained from difficult times.

We took this pic on our way to a cousin’s marriage in Punjab.We were short on time and I left with a yearning to spend a day or two in karnal,completely at leisure-visiting all my favorite spots, catching up with school friends and viisiting my school,my alma mater.

The thought of Karnal brings rushing back all the memories of the good and the difficult times we spent there.To think about it that we left Karnal broken hearted,does invoke some sadness but  mostly its fondness I look back with.Karnal shaped me up in the person I went on to become in the coming years of my life.Kept me going.Kept me grounded.

And as I got this pic clicked with the most favorite person of my life,at the place from where I started my journey,I felt strangely contended.Not because of some material accomplishments.I felt contended with the person Karnal had brought out of me.And I felt contended with the person I stood with.The love I had earned being a person I was, from friends,family and him.That’s Karnal for me – the one that lives within.

Date : 8 January,2009
Time : 5:00 in the evening , but it’s already dark in my room

1)It’s a fateful full moon night, 
when two lovers were to meet,
but here he is,with his sword in his hand
his face expressionless,
eyes carrying a hint of deceit.

a morbid silence envelopes the place
which helplessly heard her wails of pain
for he won’t stop,till her agony died down
so he stabbed her again and again.

her breath is gone,
“Dead”,he whispers to the breeze,
his face expressionless as stone

The moon still looks bright
oblivious to what just took place,
it gleams in romance
between the dead figure and the expressionless face


A cool zephyr blows
playing with the locks of her golden hair
over the once-lovely face
now pale with death,no,betrayal.
2)He was the handsomest of handsomes,
and lovely maidens fainted on his sight
fearless he was, his mention only
would make enemies tremble in fright

She was a moon, a beautiful dream
and her smile was like crack of dawn
a painter’s imagination, she was,
across miles,
her beauty would make peoeple moan

It was another full moon night.
when their eyes met
and their hearts were lost
they could not be together 
as rivalry grew in their bloodline
so he had promised,”We’d elope”

3)As he lingers to gaze at the dead beauty,
who lies in her own pool of blood
she breathes again,fighting with death
just to utter these fateful words

“what hath I done,
to deserve this,
I refuse to die

I refuse to die, 
unless you tell me,
your love was a lie”

Nervous he is ,
a drop of sweat,on his brow,shines,
he steps back in utmost fear
and disappears in the dark of night.

Every full moon night,
she breathes back to life
and you can talk to her and she’d say

“I died long back in his hands,
its a wait that keeps me alive,
he keeps coming back and kills me everytime,
but I refuse to die,
I refuse to die,
unless he tells me his love was a lie”.

It took so long to publish this poem because I was never satisfied with it.I still am not.I had to compromise with the beauty of picture to keep poem intact and I had to compromise with the beauty of poem to keep picture intact.The picture,if you talk about,carried a loads of emotions.The dying princess’s face could make hearts bleed and the knight’s face was so expressionless, that it hid perfectly another enduring tale,and the moon,the lone witness,I still am clueless how to put it in words.

When we reached the nursery,I was overwhelmed to find a vast range of greenery, a friendly and kind caretaker and the cute “pagdandis” within the rows and blocks of green heaven.

It being a Sunday, only one caretaker was around who soon found himself busy with a lot of enthusiastic customers.Meanwhile,I walked around the nursery recollecting my childhood memories of all the plants I would take care of as a kid in our garden.I would get excited to see some familiar plant from those days as if I had met an old friend.While a beautiful,muti-colored insect circled me,birds chirped around excitedly as if they knew it was Sunday evening.

I was keen to buy almost a dozen plants when unexpectedly a rational thought popped in my mind, that I should first learn to take care of plants,make a routine , re-learn the basics of gardening and after that , I should go ahead with buying so many plants.

And so I bought the ones which I had wanted to buy for a long time, a red rose shrub,bela and chandni.Bela got the privilege of being placed in my balcony though it must be feeling  a little alone there while all other plants are placed at another location.But I ‘ll get it some friends soon.Meanwhile, I spend some time with it and other plants every morning and evening.

Hope to see my balconies flowering soon.

What do you do
when  this happens
again and again to you

what do you do
when death
refuses to be an option
and life is no good

What do you do
when all you can do
is what you can’t do.

I was around 2 or 2 and a half years then.The moment I realized she was about to leave me for whole day at an unfamiliar place, I started crying at the top of my lungs.She hugged me and soothed me and told me I was a strong girl and that she knew I’ll manage well.I stood there tearfully,incessantly sobbing as I watched the door between her and me shut down.And as she looked back at me, I could see helplessness in her eyes and how heartbroken she was.She looked the same picture now.And I felt like the same kid.For a moment, nothing else mattered or existed for me , except for that mother-daughter relationship.And I wished I could forget all my responsibilities, ties and traditions and could simply walk home with her.

And as she left,I realize  that I live this wish everyday.From the day I got separated from my Mom.Everyday ,when I head back home,I wish I could go to my mother’s ,without any justification,reason or occasion.Every time I feel low, I wish I could cry my way to her, like I have always used to .But I am an adult now..

…adult as helpless as a kid being left in the creche.

I have been reading Ruskin Bond books again.Thanks to the people who love me.The Kitemaker and a Ghost stories Collection edited by Ruskin bond.I feel like alive again whenever I read books.

Apart from that , I have started treading the unexplored territories in my life, ie watching horror movies.Resident Evil being the first one.Yes yes, the movie isn’t actually a horror movie.But since I used to think of it as a horror movie, so I guess , its good for the starter.

Also, I am a proud owner of an Iphone4 now.So, finally I can discuss (more )intelligently about the smartphones and the technology,my latest fad these days.

And,I am painting these day.Not the intricate fine paintings.But just basic coloring on earthern posts.Again, I guess,good enough for the one who can’t tell a paintbrush from a toothbrush

But certain things never change..like my love for pizza.

So, it sounds more like an update post than a real post , but sometimes , you need to talk about yourself.